Now that I decided to restructure myself, in many ways, I want to go forth, and quit speaking to myself. It’s unnatural way of being in my eyes. My thoughts don’t always need to be performed.

I’ve thought on this for a while now. It’s something that I do. It’s something that I am going to train out of myself. I would say it’s holding me back. I heard a story about how early humans, didn’t know how to read silently, and when the first people started to do it, other humans were shocked. That story sort of fits in to where I am at with speaking out loud.

YouTube Influences It

I started consuming YouTube at age 9. The classic “what’s up guys welcome back to another video” and the youtuber would perform whatever they wished to discussed. I started doing that as a kid! I would talk to myself, like the YouTubers, alone. I would pretend to do my own YouTube channel. This is a vivid memory. It’s not natural though. It’s a problem. It’s a problem because it’s maladaptive to my environment. Well actually, to my current environment. This was a behavior that I picked up when I watched YouTube. I am not saying that enviornment was okay either. I should have never watched YouTube, I don’t think other people should be watching it either. The video medium is worthless, problematic. Read ‘The FOur Arguments for the Elimanation of The Television’ by Jerry Mandler It’s a classic book that explains why the medium is devoid of any depth. I started reading it back in July, and I am almost finished. Sadly, I didn’t have this book growing up, as my parents sadly still consume the medium. Most people do. Many people I know socially, would argue against my stance, say I am being too extreme, and that some form of depression would set forth in my life as the “television” (television=any form of the video medium) is the new lifestyle. People gobble it up. People loves their sports! People love the movies! People love watching YouTube! People LOVE the news! People LOVE to lack depth! So yeah basically, YouTube trained me to think talking to myself was normal as the influencers on the platform “talked to themselves” sure obviously the camera, but that BECAME my reality. I didn’t socialize with other humans, I had parasocial bonds through the screen. So I started speaking to myself primarily through YouTube. It evolved past that though.

Performing my Thoughts

Instead of just thinking something, and doing it, or letting it go, or writing it down, I sometimes will perform my thoughts, like vocalize the things I am thinking. I don’t like this. I want to change this. Not everything I think needs to be vocalized. In fact, I want to slow this down, so that I vocalize in front of other people. When I save my voice, for when I am around others it will have more structure.

Preparing to Have Conversations

I would say that organzing my thoughts via the written medium is far superb. I am able to re-read what I wrote down. With speech, I can’t go back to listen to what I said. The spoken word is more fleeting. The spoken word HAS it’s place. I am making the point, that, we chatter too much over nonsense. I know I do. That monkey brain. Often times, my thoughts do not serve me. Whether it be anxiety about a social interaction for example. I may hang out with someone, and not really enjoy the date or hangout. If that’s the case, I don’t have to drag it out. I can feel what I felt. Say to myself, “hey I didn’t enjoy hanging out, things were done that I really don’t respect, and this hurt me, I don’t think i’ll see this person again” and that’s all. The next time I think about them I can say “hey I hope that person is doing well. I don’t have the capacity to hang out with them 1-on-1, I didn’t feel great last time we hung out together” and that’s all. I don’t agree with thinking over people. Thinking about people. If I have a negative thought towards someone, where is it coming from. For example, I am an anarchist. I clearly deviate from the norm. I could easily, take the black poison pill, isolate myself from greater society, and become a stick in the mud. How is that going to solve anything though. It won’t. I could think so many negative things about the way people behave and why they behave that way. Instead, I am choosing to limit my contact with people 1-on-1. Texting for example. No Bueno. It brings forth weird dynamics in my honest opinion. I want to focus on group events. Calling people 1-on-1. I would rather spend time with someone in a group setting, 3-4 times before asking them to hang 1-on-1. This whole, texting-meeting in person pipeline, is weird. It’s an artificial bond in my eyes. Bonding with someone online, playing a video game, is just not it. It’s not normal behavior. I will die on this new hill, and change myself for the better. Sorry old pals who do this. You’re in the wrong. I am not going to judge you on a personal level, but I think many of the problems you have in your life are coming from your behavior. If you aren’t working towards saving humanity, you are apart of the problem. That stance is poetic yet harsh! There are versions of me that DIDN’T show up for humanity. In many ways, I can’t show up for myself! That’s changing though. I am developing a greater sense of self, I am coming into my own. I am no longer partaking in negative thought patterns. I am looking at the adversal force, and seperating it from people. That “this person is inverted, the thoughts, the belief system they have is inverted. I disagree with this way of being. I am not going to back down from my stance.” For example, voting. I am anti-voting. Voting and Democracy are 100% immoral from my world view. Just because the majority says it’s okay, DOESN’T MAKE IT OKAY!!! So during this voting season, I lied to someone and told them I was ready to vote, when in reality, I am NOT voting. Government IS slavery. Always has been always WILL be!!! That’s truth right there, it’s NOT opinion. Yet, I am not going to attack someone on a personal level, for having that stance. I am going to use my website, to get my thoughts out there, choose to distance myself from my family, tell them why, I distance myself, and move on, attracting people who are more in alignment. It’s a balance. I don’t want to be so adversal to people, when meeting them, but I need to let them know where I stand. If I don’t, I am not being honest with myself. Basically, talking to myself is apart of all this. Removing fluroide from my drinking water is apart of this. Getting away from improper diet is apart of this. When I lie to myself, I lie to others, and I serve the adversal force. I cannot do that. I cannot invoke the death card like that. It’s not okay.

Normalization of Talking To Yourself

It seems that in recent years, behavior have been normalized. Mental disorder has been normalized in recent years. There is a difference between judging yourself for having a mental disorder, than understanding that you have mental setbacks, and that you must change them. For example, genetically I have aspects of my behavior which fall in line with the ADHD symptoms. Then, growing up in a hoarding environment, eating junk food, not exercising, not gardening, not having any true spiritual practice, watching the television and playing video games, all that does is make the ADHD worse! So it’s a cycle. It’s like the chicken or the egg, what came first, is it the ADHD created through the poisoning of the food supply, hoarding, and usage of television? or was I genetically born with it, and the hoarding existed because of my fathers ADHD, and that’s why I watched television as well? Well, it’s a mix of both for sure. It’s sad that I wasn’t raised properly. Sure, I was given food, shelter, and clothing. I was fed. That’s not what raising a child is though! Raising a child is TEACHING THEM THE MORALS. Teaching a children the difference between right and wrong. Let me tell you, there IS a difference. It exists IN nature. I am stunned, at the lack of heart with the current worldview. The ‘anything goes’ attitude has gone too far. I’ve heard stories of people being violated, and disorder being used as an excuse. That’s not how that works! I can’t violate someone, and blame it on my ADHD. That’s NOT how reality functions. I am still accountable for my actions, and truth herself will punish me. Not the state even.This idea that the state is this all powerful being simply isn’t true. The state is a joke. A circus. Only the godhead truly lays down the law in the end.

Why My Blogposts Have a Ton of Fluff

You may notice that I am deviating from the subject matter of this blogpost entry. I started rambling on about the state, adhd, natural law, moral conditions etc. I am doing this as I haven’t been posting much, and my writing ability is still being developed. I know that the best way to develop my writing is just by doing it. So I am talking about alllll my thoughts. Eventually, this wouldn’t be the best way to get my thoughts out. For now it is. Maybe a physical journal and vim combo? I am using vim. I am using Linux MacBook Air 11 Inch. I love it. Minimalist. Easy to use. I love reading on this thing. I have 5,000 books through calibre. That’s awesome. I can be away from the internet, just read my days away. Post on here. That’s my tech usage now. Getting rid of the phone! That could be a whole blogpost. I’ll say this. The phone is trash. If I didn’t need a smartphone, I wouldn’t have one. I am keeping the smartphone as I understand there may be times I may require it? Texting is easier. I am able to have signal. Habit trackers though? No. I understand the minimalist nature of having everything on the phone. I would rather just have every seperate now. I’m over it. It’s the nature of a touch screen OLED device. It’s just the way I would use it. To doomscroll. I notice on here, I am just journaling going at it. I could read on this device, it’s really either reading or writing. Sure, I could use web browsing, but experience is wayyyy slower than on a smart phone. The rapidness of the device is part of the issue? It’s blending into my enviornment. The fact I can bring it with me anywhere IS the problem. I brought that little demon device I started gossiping about stuff and anxieties with my sister. I am 25. I won’t be bringing my smart phone out anymore. It’s like yes, I understand I could just keep it in my pocket when I am socializing. I am very scarred though, and I have to set up boundaries. Boundaries with the smart phone. It’s scary how easily it is to get sucked into. SMS and Signal for example. I would check them ALLLLL the time. I have notifications disabled, and I would just go into the bathroom and check, check, check. In reality, I have 2 main commitments right now, coming on 3 commitments. I have other groups and clubs that are important to me, but aren’t commitments. I would worry about receiving texts between my commitments. That’s the main and only reason to be checking SMS. Signal, I wouldn’t have to check at all, as I have no commitments on signal. Habit tracker? I can use another device for habit tracking (I wonder if KOReader can do habit tracking??) Besides that I would just use pen and paper. I could do the same for my calendar. I could even bring a little notebook for notes. Then I again want to develop a mental notes framework. The idea of using the phone for notes, is just another excuse. Notes, Habit Tracker, Reading Books, Photography. GPS is one that is like valid. So I use my phone for a GPS, big deal? So I am going to this place later today, I bring my phone down to my car, set up the GPS, and bam I am off to the races. I don’t need to use my phone all day for that, I just bring it out whenever I am going somewhere new, and don’t have the location. Yet, in reality, I don’t need to have the phone out and about. The idea of no smart phone while driving is scary though! How could I bring my phone with me, and not use it at all. That’s the goal. Have it in the bathroom, but never checking it. I want to check SMS and Signal FARRRR Less than I do. I don’t want to bring it places. I don’t want to rely on it. That’s the main argument I am making here with my phone PLEASE PLEASE, don’t rely on it, I am telling myself. I have the alternatives. I have this, as my way of getting thoughts out. It’s the best way to do it. People can google my name, and find all my thoughts and updates. No nonsense approach. True Balls. Someone actually having the courage to put themselves out there, instead of using playing in the circus of social media. It’s designed to keep you engaged. Sure, at a certain point, I want to hone my message and use those platforms again, yet not for a while. I am in the growth stage. Like I said, I have so many books to read. I have so much to work through mentally, before I can go back on AI Social Media prison. For one, I have the smart phone blues. I have my strategies though. Taking photos with a camera, uploading them to my database, than placing them into my digital frames. WAY better than having pictures on a smart phone! It can be distracting too, seeing photos on a phone. It’s a method though, to break out of phone usage. SMS and Signal? realizing that nothing on those text threads will serve me. It’s either texts from friends or family, that aren’t really worth using? I would rather bond with people in person. If my family or friends miss me, then they can read my blod. That’s my new advice, Check out my blog buddy. Come read it, I don’t want to text. I don’t want to really call unless we are going to have an engaging conversation. I can’t deal with the nonsense anymore. Like my grandma, I don’t need to hear the Fox News spew of the day. That’s what a phone call with her would consist of. It’s alot easier now for me, as I am off social media. My main battles now have to do with texting people when I am bored, old habits die hard. Yet, my decision to seperate the functions of the smart phone is a good one too. It develops arguments against it being “required” in my life. I have my arguments. Yet, everyone else will have one, and if it comes down to it, I can use theirs. People may be pain-in-the-ass about it though. For now, like I said I will keep my pixel. I probably always will keep my pixel. When I went out for sushi last monday though, the restaraunt required a phone to order. Small stuff like that. If I receive a text confirmation or have to access a link through SMS. Stuff like that as well. Yet, photography as an example. I won’t take photos with my phone. Sure, even now I am thinking of an excuse. OK, I went to a protest last saturday, and I have my phone to take a picture of me protesting. Yet, in reality, it doesn’t matter! I don’t need to take a photo of me protesting. Big deal. Photography on the phone warps it anyway. If I take a picture with the phone, people assume it’s being posted online. If I take a photo with an old camera, it signals that it’s not going on social media. So, it’s a better social signal too. People will respect me for not having a phone, I would say. Even if they are mad about it, it’s some aspect of them is envy of the ability for me to ditch it. Ditch it in the sense of it being a home phone. It’s a home phone. I keep it in the bathroom, and then in my car. I don’t want to bring it with me in the car either, yet, that fear of breaking down and needing to call AAA is always there. I am sure there is an alternative way there as well, or like I said earlier, bring it back and forth anytime I drive. It’s just the interaction. If I have that demon device in my hands, I will use it. My willpower can only go so far, you know.